Friday, July 23, 2010

A Golf Getaway

We're nearing the end of July and the NBA Free Agenct Frenzy is dying down, NFL is still over 1 month away, World Cup has concluded, and I still don't care about MLB. So, what else do I have to write about besides a golf getaway with my buddies Collin and Sam. Thinking, thinking... Nothing! So here is my second ever running diary, this time of the events that transpired at Stafford Country Club.

First, a little bit of information on my 2 opponents for this golf match. Collin is a terrific athlete, who happens to be very good at sports that he doesn't play for a team. He is one of the few people who have a chance of beating me in a best of seven series of ping pong. He is a great bowler (despite the fact that I beat him 2 times in Niagara Falls, which up to this point is the biggest sports upset of my life). He also happens to be a great volleyball player. Golfing is not one of his strong sports. 3 years ago Collin and I went golfing and the final tally ended up being Collin 80 over par, Sonny 84 over par. Yikes, Stevie Wonder and Stephen Hawking could've done better. Then we have Crosby (Sam) who has practically been golfing since he was in the womb. He is the reigning Section V class C sectionals champion and is a 3 time league all star. Needless to say, it was a race for third place. Here is what transpired on July 23rd at Stafford Country Club. Note to readers: The front screen of my phone is now all screwed up because I needed to put notes into my phone as we were golfing. You're all welcome.

8:00 a.m.- "Baby I like it, the way you move on the floor. Baby I like it, come on and give me some more. Oh yes I like it, screaming like never before, Baby I like it..." The alarm sounded and I wake up, thinkinhg why in the blue hell I would wake up so damn earlier to play a sport I suck at. I have an abundance of eye boogers, and a bladder full of pee. Why couldn't I still be sleeping?

8:15 a.m.- After I relieve my bladder, wipe the eye boogers off my face and brush my teeth, I'm finally a little awake. I see it has been raining and looks as if it is going to continue to rain. That's just super sweet!

8:30 a.m.- Collin arrives and shortly after Sam shows up. It's sprinkling outside, and Sam couldn't look happier. Of course my Mom has to take a picture before I go embarrass myself.

8:31 a.m.- As we walk to the car Sam asks us a stupid question. He is under the false assumption we have our own clubs. Apparently he didn't hear the memo about the 80 and 84 over par. He might not have asked us to come if he knew.

8:35 a.m.- We have to go to Sam's house to get clubs. We can't just use his because he is a lefty. We pick and choose from a wide range of clubs and finally assemble our golf bag.

8:55 a.m.- As we drive to Stafford, Sam is in his glory. He is spewing information about the course and just golf in general like a volcano spews lava. Needless to say, he is giddy.

9:00 a.m.- We arrive at Stafford. It's a good thing too, I was 3 minutes away from falling asleep in the car. It was gloomy outside, we were in a station wagon, and we were going golfing. There was nothing that would keep me from falling asleep except getting out of the car. I was wrong earlier about how Sam couldn't look happier, because this is the happiest I've ever seen him.

9:10 a.m.- We have a light sprinkle going on right now, I'm not complaining yet. Light sprinkle turns into a steady sprinkle, and Sam snubs me and Collin as he walks ahead of us with an umbrella. It's going to be one of those days. The kind of day where it's always raining on you, both literally and metaphorically.

9:12 a.m.- We arrive at the driving range to get loosey goosey before the real show starts. Sam is hitting the crap out of the ball, and Collin is ecstatic about his first 2 shots which travel roughly 35 yards combined. He might be in trouble.

9:16 a.m.- I'm doing some serious taunting to Collin because he looks awful driving the ball. He challenges me to do any better and I respond by hitting my best tee shot all day.

9:18 a.m.- Injury update: Sam tosses me a tee, and I accidently stab myself in the hand and blood starts dripping. We haven't even started playing yet and I already hurt myself. I tell myself this will be fun.

9:21 a.m.- We arrive at the first tee, and Sam slips the golf glove on. I'm still wondering whether he realizes how bad we are. Did he watch us warm up?

9:25 a.m.- BAM! My first shot lands right in the fairway... of the 9th hole. Can I quit now?

9:30 a.m.- I came up with a name for the 7 iron- the Viagara club. Sam told me that the purpose of hitting the ball with a 7 iron is to "get it up". You get it?

9:40 a.m.- Standings after hole 1: Sonny 9, Collin 13, Sam 4 (notice I just write the scores as if we were playing mini golf).

9:45 a.m.- Collin (while practice swinging): "You see that, I just tickled the tips." I can't decide whether that sounds cute or dirty.

10:00 a.m.- Standings after hole 2: Sonny 19, Collin 30, Sam 8. Yes you read that correctly, Collin shot a 17 on hole 2. I'd like someone to find out if that is the worst of all time.

10:02 a.m.- Collin is absolutely pumped after a 60 yard drive. It's almost like he got a hole in 1. Except the kind of hole in 1 for really bad players.

10:05 a.m.- As I'm about to tee off, the head on our driver falls off. I blame this on Collin. It was from all of the power he put on that 60 yard drive. We decide that the head of the driver will be used as the conch from "Lord of the Flies". Therefore, Sam is Piggy.

10:10 a.m.- Collin decides to "MJ it" by acting as the tee he is carrying is a cigar.

10:15 a.m.- Collin and I made a habit of swinging and hitting a large amount of grass along with the golf ball. That equals alot of divots. From 10:15 on, nearly every time this happens, we use the Space Jam quote, "He's fixing a divot!" So, that equaled out to about 1,232 times we said that.

10:25 a.m.- After Sam finishes up hole 4 and remains silent and focused. He is a stone cold killer right now.

10:26 a.m.- I set myself up for a long putt for par and hit it way too long. I end with a double bogey. Great.

10:38 a.m.- I'm about 100 yards away on the 5th, and I hit a nice one right up to the green. Unfortunately, in the process I almost hit Sam. After the hit I thought he would be fuming since he is in Stone Cold Killer mode, but surprisingly he chuckles.

10:50 a.m.- For almost 2 hours it has been raining with a vengeance. Thunder, lightning, sideways rain, stinging rain, the whole 9 yards. Collin decides that with the lack of shelter, it would be best to hide in a bush because then the lightning wouldn't see him. I think he was being serious.

10:55 a.m.- Somehow, Collin and I get off better tee shots on 6 than Sam did. That is a minor miracle in itself. Sam doesn't seem too happy about us reminding him of this.

11:05 a.m.- Only 2 holes after I blow a chance for par, Collin follows up with one of his own. Only he triple bogey's it. We are so good at golf its unbelievable.

11:10 a.m.- Collin "tickles the tips" once again. He attempts 7 swings and can't manage to make contact. If we where playing with rules where everytime he wiffed it counted, I would be winning by 150 strokes right now.

11:25 a.m.- As we are walking to our next hole, we pass a unique looking birdhouse which is nestled away in a tree. Collin decides it looks like a butthole. You can't make that stuff up.

11:40 a.m.- As Sam and I are watching Collin fan repeatedly while teeing off, he admits that we are the 2 worst golfers he's ever seen. Not really a surprise there, I could've told him we would be. Apparently he thought 80 and 84 over par was a myth.

11:45 a.m.- After nearly 3 hours of terrential downpour, it finally stops raining. It's too late, at this point my clothes are soaked and I've stepped in every single puddle there. I keep telling myself I'm enjoying this.

11:55 a.m.- We come to a hole where we tee off with a building (maybe the clubhouse) to our right. This has disaster written all over it. To go along with this, we have to clear a giant lake/puddle as well. I'm not feeling too confident, so I decide I'll just hit the ball as hard as I could. I closed my eyes, swung hard and shanked it. I nearly hit the clubhouse as people are watching from outside. Not my proudest sports moment.

12:10 p.m.- Luckily it starts downpouring again. I'm channeling my inner Happy Gilmore and going to my "happy place".

12:15 p.m.- As I lose my ball in a swampy body of water, we see a snake slithering around on the outskirts of the water. I'm rattled to say the least.

12:25 p.m.- Collin is on the comeback trail. I had an 8 stroke lead after the front 9. 2 holes later, my lead is cut to 5. The combination of the monsoon we are in, the snake, and my left big toe which feels like the skin is getting ripped off of it, I'm reeling.

12:26 p.m.- Collins zipper on his shorts refuses to stay up. I really had the desire to mention this.

12:37 p.m.- Collin shoots for par on 12, and makes up 4 strokes. I'm only up 1 stroke, and I'm on pace to end up getting whooped. I'm in panic mode.

12:45 p.m.- As we are walking down the fairway on 13, a tree tips over. I'm not even joking. I had been under a countless amount of trees so far in the day, and one tipped over about 50 feet away. It sounded like a crack of thunder. You know the phrase, "if a tree falls down and no one is around, does it make any noise?" It makes a really really loud noise.

12:50 p.m.- I'm really feeling like there is a massive blister on my left big toe. In fact, I'm fearing that the skin on it has completely ripped off. My game is being hindered no doubt.

1:10 p.m.- After the 15th, Collin has taken the lead. I'm falling faster than Lindsey Lohan's career in anything (music, movies, being a role model, etc.)

1:37 p.m.- I'm down 3 strokes going to the 18th, and all signs point to me combusting on the 18th. On 16 I miss a 5 foot putt that would have put me within 1 stroke. Meanwhile Sam is actually looking forward to this being over we are so bad.

1:44 p.m.- Maybe a little life left? Sam makes the rule that even on wiffs they count as strokes when previously they weren't. Collin has tickled the tips about 5 times on this hole alone. I'm taunting him mercilessly, and through 2 hits I'm in good position to maybe win this thing.

1:55 p.m.- Quoting Gus Johnson, "What a comeback!" I manage to win by 1 stroke. Initially I thought that my choke on the back 9 was the biggest choke of all time, but it turns out Collins choke on 18 was the worst. I feel like for the most part, my short game gave me the lead early, and my long game brought me back. I'm like the bizzaro world Happy Gilmore. Which means Collin is the bizzaro world Shooter McGavin, and Sam is the bizzaro world Chubbs Peterson. Thats funny because if you were looking for a polar opposite of Sam Lamont, it would be the actor who player Chubbs.

Final scores: Sam +6 (78), Sonny +80 (152), Collin +81 (153).

Burger King put the finishing touches on a wet, competitive and fun day. My feet are sore not only because they are so wet, but because Sam decided not to get us a golf cart. Like I said, he was a stone cold killer. A couple of closing thoughts on my day of golf:

We went way too early and it was stupid to continue playing when it was thundering and lightning. I was putting my precious life in danger for a game which I really didn't care at all about. I actually really like golfing though. I suck at it, and I won't ever deny that. I'm good at alot of things, and golf will most likely never be one of them. I plan on practicing as much as I feel necessary in order to get good enough to be able to play and not embarrass myself, because honestly I don't see why he would ever want to go golfing with Collin and I again. Frankly, if we have to golf this early and with these conditions, the feeling of not wanting to golf as a group would be mutual.